Chapter 23
Losing her virginity to an adult man that claimed to be 'in love' with her made Lydia Bennet feel 'above' her mates who knew so little about life and who were still trying those sexual games with clumsy boys their age. They were indeed fools, as if it were the same. Most of them only did it once, probably against a wall, and some of them didn't even remember how it happened because they were so drunk that they couldn't even recall that their 'boyfriends' shagged them in the bathroom during a party. But George was different. He was coming to Meryton once a week for a photo session and afterwards -in fact, it only happened three times-, they always escaped to a hotel to make love. He wanted her so much. And boy, he was really good at it.
This new 'experience' had also made her a lot more confident in her 'modeling' career. She wasn't stupid, she knew perfectly well that these weren't ordinary photos, that they were not directed to the common public, but she didn't mind that they had this erotic connotation. Now, under George's protective watch, she was feeling comfortable with what she did, emboldened, consenting to do things she otherwise would never do. She trusted him, and if George asked her to pose naked, she would do it, because George was only doing what he thought best for her. He would always see that she was respected and that the material was published in selected places. For his 'personal' clients, as he used to say. George was indeed good and very caring.
"That's all, Liddy," said Jason, the photographer. "This was great."
Dressed only in denim shorts that left uncovered good part of her bottom, Lydia left the little stage where she had been posing. George gave her a robe to wear and followed her to the changing room.
"Liddy," he closed the door behind them, "you did a great job there. This session was outstanding."
"Did you like it?" She smiled up as George encircled her waist with his arms.
"Loved it. Listen, darling," he said as nibbled her neck. "I'm in a bit of a hurry today and I don't have any time for our usual trip to the hotel. Do you mind if we leave it for another time?"
Pouting, she replied. "All right."
"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you, I promise."
After saying that, he kissed her but instead of keeping the kiss chaste, Lydia provoked him until she obtained the desired reaction. Groaning, George removed the hand that was rubbing his erection.
"You are indeed something. I don't think I can wait till next week. Can't you arrange for us to pass a full night together? I'm tired of these short meetings, Liddy, I want more of you."
Lydia wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can tell my mother I'm staying at a friend's house. Just give me time."
For the last hour, all what Elizabeth did was stare blankly at the monitor of the computer. Darcy. William Darcy. She had never expected to see him again, at least not so ... unexpectedly. But since they met, only 23 hours ago, he was the only thing she could think about. Basically, she was trying to re-organize her feelings, stop the confusion that had been twirling inside her head since she saw him.
She was torn, divided and confronted by feelings, which were so opposite, so contradictory that she wasn't sure what she felt anymore. What she knew for sure was that she wasn't indifferent to him, that she had never been. Her pulse was still quickening with the thought of him, butterflies danced in her stomach every time she recalled those moments and at the same time, resentment made her heart bitter, not allowing her to feel the anxiety and hope she wanted to feel. Her own indecision bothered her. She wanted to hate him but she liked him too much for that, she wanted to leave the past behind, but she was still too hurt to forget, to forgive and move on.
Most of all, what she felt now was intrusion. She felt intruded, pursued, molested. If she came this far, if she decided not to contact him after learning that he was looking for her it was because she didn't want to see him. That had been her decision and he wasn't respecting it. It had been tough enough the way it was, with his name being mentioned everywhere, to now have to endure his proximity. Damn him, couldn't he just leave her in peace?
What would she do if he called her? He had her number now. If he was so interested in talking to her before, he would surely try it again. Now, did she want hear what he wanted to say? Assuming that he still wanted to talk to her and he didn't go to Hertfordshire only to give her tickets for the premiere. Now that she thought more on it, that wasn't the reason for him to go, he wouldn't deliver those personally and if he did, giving the tickets to her mother would be the logical thing to do. Blast, she couldn't even call Amanda to ask her mother if he said what he wanted. She would tease her endlessly. Her mother said that she was being stubborn, narrow minded, obtuse and even stupid for holding on to this anger against Darcy. No, she was too proud to admit she was in the wrong after the scene she made.
The phone rang and she jumped in the chair, holding her chest. "I'll get it, Maddy! Hello?"
"Elizabeth?"
Oh no, it was Darcy. It wasn't even his secretary making the call for him, it was him, in person. First, she thought of acting indifferent, pretending she didn't recognize his voice, but then she realized it would be the most stupid thing to do. "Hello, William."
"Hi," he cleared his throat. "Is Maddy home?"
Good. He wanted to talk to Maddy. "Yes, hold on, I'll call her."
"No, wait, please ... I ..." he paused for a second. "Yesterday we ... we had a very good time with you and your family. Georgiana and I had been wondering if you and your aunt and uncle would like to come to have dinner at Pemberley with us."
Dinner. Pemberley. With her aunt and uncle. She could live with that. "I'll have to check with my aunt. When?" She asked in cold politeness.
"I was thinking of Wednesday."
"Just a second, I'll ask Maddy."
Elizabeth went to her aunt, who was working in her study. "Maddy. William Darcy is on the phone, he's inviting us to have dinner with him on Wednesday."
"I'll get it." Maddy took the cordless from her hands. "William! What a surprise for you to call so quickly. Ed and I had been conversing about what a nice chat we had yesterday. Your sister is really a lovely girl ..." Maddy laughed at something Darcy was saying. "Of course! He'll love to see it! ... Wednesday? ... That would be the day after tomorrow, I don't think there's a problem, though I'll check it with him ... Pemberley, how delightful! ... No, it's OK, I know the way, I ... The script? ... You can give it to me on Wednesday ... all right send it home so I can read a little in advance ... All right ... Yes ... Sure ... I'll call you back and confirm the date but I'm almost sure we can ... Lizzy? ... Here she is, I'll put her through. Bye-bye." Maddy gave Elizabeth the phone. "He wants to speak with you."
"Yes?" She said as she walked out of the study.
"Elizabeth," he cleared his throat again. "Your aunt thinks there's no problem, so it's Wednesday, I guess."
"Yes, sure."
"Listen, I ... there is something I would like to talk to you about. Do you think we can meet and speak for a moment?"
"I don't think so, I'm quite busy and I ... can't it wait until Wednesday?" She said firmly.
No, he couldn't wait. And this was something he couldn't discuss during a dinner party, but there was not much he could do if she didn't want to see him before that. "Yes, no problem. I'll see you on Wednesday."
"All right. Give my regards to your sister."
"Thank you, I will, bye."
Elizabeth turned off the wireless and sat in front of the computer. She put her hands on the keyboard, determined to finish (or start) her work. But there was no way she could type a single word. Her hands were still shaking.
Lydia entered the apartment as silently as she could so she would not call her mother's attention.
"Liddy!" Amanda came from the kitchen. "Is that you?"
"Yes, mom." She rolled her eyes.
"Where have you been? It's almost eight! You know perfectly well you can't come home at this hour. You have classes tomorrow! Now I want to know where you've been and with whom and ..."
"Mother," Lydia replied in a bored tone, "I was with the girls, we went to St. Albans to walk around, just that."
"Listen, Lydia," Amanda followed her daughter as she walked to her bedroom, "if you don't start acting more responsibly, I'll ground you, do you understand? I can see that you are not studying lately, you are coming home late almost every day and I will not allow that kind of behavior anymore. Are you listening to me?"
Lydia removed her jacket and threw it on the bed. "All right, mom."
Amanda let out a loud sigh. Arguing or sounding imposing never helped with Lydia so she tried the friendlier approach. "So, tell me, what did you and your friends do there in St. A?
"Nothing, just walk around," her daughter replied with indifference.
"I heard that there is some lovely Christmas stuff at Marks & Spencer, or maybe we can go to Watford, to Clements. That would be lovely. Lizzy will be here for the weekend and we can go shopping together."
"Yeah, maybe." Lydia removed her shoes and kicked them under the bed.
Amanda noticed the label of her daughter's trousers. "Gap Jeans? Where did you get those?"
She couldn't tell her that she bought them with the first 'salary' she received for her work. She also bought a sweater, but that was still hidden inside her closet. "Jen. We switched clothes today." Just in case she asked if they were the same size, Lydia chose a friend her mother didn't know.
Sighing, Amanda observed as her daughter fell flat on the bed, ignoring her completely while staring at the ceiling. She didn't know what to do. Lydia had turned rebellious again, well not exactly rebellious, but so indifferent that she didn't know how to talk to her anymore. Elizabeth had been so different at this age, so sweet and responsible. This behavior only enhanced the natural fears that every parent had when their children grew into adolescents. In whose company they hung out, where was she when she wasn't home and all those perils that this crazy world put in their reach: drugs, alcohol, sex, abuse. Amanda was working all day long at the store to provide her of a good education and she couldn't supervise her daughter's activities. She had to give her space, let her grow and make her own decisions. She only hoped that Lydia was making the right ones.
"Go wash yourself, and remove all that make up. I don't know why you are using so much. I'll finish dinner."
"Close the door when you are go out, mom."
The door slammed behind Amanda's back.
The mirror reflected an image she liked. A short sleeved, creamy white turtleneck and ankle length, straight wool skirt. She allowed her black hair to dry on its own so it was falling in neat ringlets down her back. Some make up, not much, just enough to outline her almond shaped eyes, a little blush on her cheeks and a pale pink lip gloss gave the final touch.
Her exterior could look perfect but inside she was a mess. She was scared, anxious, nervous about this dinner. She wanted to go but she didn't want to be alone with him, she wanted to talk to him but was afraid of what he wanted to say. Smoothing some imaginary wrinkles on her skirt, she exhaled slowly. G-d help her to pass this night.
It was snowing again. He sat back in his armchair and looked at those fat, perfect snowflakes falling down, thickening the white carpet that was covering the gardens.
He didn't know what to think of the events of the last three days. One side of him was happy, glad that he found her, that she was coming tonight, but the other side was very apprehensive about the outcome of the evening.
He was now in a very difficult position. It was obvious that Elizabeth didn't want to see him. She had vanished once, escaping where he could not find her, and her refusal to meet him before tonight was a direct sign that she was not willing to converse with him in private. Yes, she was coming tonight, but she was almost forced by the circumstances. He needed to talk to her but he couldn't call her apart in front of the other guests, bringing up a subject that would surely make her upset. He just couldn't impose his wishes on her. G-d help him to do this right.
The door was ajar and Georgiana's slim figure entered the dark study. He waved her to come closer.
As she always did, she sat on his desk, facing him and the silent conversation began. She asked what he was thinking about and he just waved her off. More energetically, she protested, saying that he never shared his feelings with her, that she wasn't stupid and that she knew something was happening and that for once, he should start treating her like the adult she was.
Smiling lazily, he made only one gesture with his hand that meant 'speak'.
She rolled her eyes. She hated when he did this. Her reply was, 'you are using that as an excuse to avoid the subject.'
Darcy sighed and extended his hand to her. She took it. After a moment of reflection he released her and, with signs and words, said, "Elizabeth is the woman I told you about."
With signs, she asked, 'the assistant you liked so much? The one you argued with? The one that sent you to hell?'
He nodded.
Georgiana looked angry. To her, her brother was perfect and she didn't like when someone made him suffer. The move she made with her hands reflected perfectly the 'I will twist her little neck' she wanted to transmit.
"No," Darcy laughed, "you are not strangling her. I'm also to blame there and now I have to fix it. Will you help me with that?"
She pointed at herself.
"Yes, you. You want to be treated like an adult, don't you?" His hands repeated his words.
'I AM an adult, even you don't want to see me as one.' she gestured. 'What do you want me to do?'
"Just help me to find a moment alone with her."
Smiling, Georgiana nodded.
Pemberley was just like Elizabeth had imagined it. During the drive, Maddy had spoken incessantly about the place, describing the beautiful house, the gardens, the lake and how this estate, now reduced to a dozen acres, was once the motor of Lambton's economy. The house wasn't like those huge old mansions. It was an early century building, made of stone, handsome but not ostentatious. It was already dark and it was snowing, so she couldn't see much of the gardens but she could tell that they were well cared for and that the exterior was well illuminated.
The interior of the house was spacious, warm and decorated in a modern fashion with a few antiques strategically placed, giving the place a very stylish, sober touch. Elizabeth fell in love with the house almost the moment she stepped in.
"William, this is not the original Pemberley manor, is it?" Maddy asked as she sat down on the couch of the large living room.
"No," Darcy replied while serving Edward a drink, "a fire destroyed it more than one hundred years ago. It didn't burn completely, many things were saved and are now spread around the house. But half of the building was useless and the other half became too dangerous to live in so it was pulled down and they built this new house, on a smaller scale, obviously. There was no point in building up a mansion with 67 bedrooms. This hearth was originally placed in one of the sitting rooms and that painting over there shows how the house looked."
Elizabeth walked towards the painting to observe it more closely. "Wow, it's almost a castle."
Darcy joined her. "Not as big as Chatsworth and in a less pretentious style. Some of the adjacent buildings are still up, but most of them are situated on pieces of land that were sold many years ago. We kept the original hothouses and an old cottage that is situated at the far end of the property, inside the woods."
She smiled at him and returned to the couch, taking a seat next to Maddy. That evasive maneuver didn't pass unnoticed to the elder woman or to Darcy himself.
"I can imagine how expensive is to maintain one of those houses." Edward commented.
"Had it still been up, it would surely belong to the National Trust at this point." Replied Darcy as he joined the group again. "But this is a very nice house. I can show you around if you like."
Of course, the Gardiners accepted immediately. Edward finished his drink and helped his wife up.
Their first stop was the library, a room that fortunately wasn't affected by fire that destroyed part of the original house so Pemberley's vast collection of books was saved. Darcy explained to them that some of the books were so rare and old that they needed special conditions to be preserved so they were donated to the London Library and to the Manchester Museum by his father. He also told them that, though on a smaller scale, this room looked very much like the old one as most of the furniture and shelves were recycled from the original library.
Two lovely sitting rooms followed and then a small projection room equipped with the latest technology in image and sound introduced them to Darcy's private domain. The largest flat screen TV Elizabeth had ever seen, a huge, super comfortable leather couch, a mini bar, an impressive audio equipment and a large collection of movies in VHS and DVD, from classics to the latest productions, revealed his passion for cinematography.
"Do you have any filming equipment here?" Edward asked him as he tried the couch. For him, that was the best room of the house.
"The one we use in moviemaking is elsewhere. There's no point in keeping 35 mm or super 16 cameras here, I would never use them. Though I have some nice toys in my study," smiled Darcy. "Come, I'll show you."
"You are very quiet, Lizzy," Maddy held her niece's arm as the followed them. "Are you all right?"
"Yes, I am." She smiled briefly.
"Are you sure?" her aunt insisted. "You don't seem completely at ease when William is around. You haven't been the same since we met him in Chesterfield."
"It's just that ... it's strange to be here, in his house, he was my boss once and ..."
"And?" Maddy asked gently.
"Something happened between us in the past."
"Oh." After a pause, she said. "And you didn't part on good terms?"
Elizabeth just nodded her head, not willing to discuss the subject with Darcy standing only a few steps away. Wisely, Maddy didn't say a word about it, but she was smart enough to realize that Darcy was doing everything in his reach to please her niece and that Elizabeth was avoiding him as much as she could. Every time they entered a room, Elizabeth would choose to observe the objects that were on the opposite wall from where he was standing, every time he would gallantly ask her to walk ahead, she would find a reason to stop and walk behind, shielding herself behind her aunt's or Georgiana's company. She glanced at the two men- Darcy was showing Edward one of his video cameras, a digital, tiny, ultra sophisticated device that was his latest acquisition- and an idea was formed in her head.
"But this is my favorite one." Darcy pulled up a larger VHS camera. "The zoom is extraordinary and the image has a depth that you would never achieve with the other one."
"Though I still like better the other little thing better." Ed put the smaller camera in front of his face. "Smile girls!" he said as he filmed his wife and niece.
Darcy told him a few tricks of how to obtain better shots, close ups and how to use the light to his advantage, increasing the drama of the video. Edward played with it for a moment and then they continued the tour.
"I think I need to sit for a while, this is a big house indeed!" Maddy claimed when they reached the stairs.
"I'm sorry," said Darcy. "I didn't realize that you were getting tired, we can leave ..."
"No, William, please, don't stop because of me." Maddy almost pushed Elizabeth in his direction. "Show Elizabeth the rest of the house, I'm sure that she wants to see it."
Darcy looked at Elizabeth to see her reaction and then at his sister. "Could you see them back to the living room, Georgiana?" He asked with signs and words.
Georgiana nodded with a smile.
Her brother smiled warmly, squeezing her cheek before saying a silent 'Thank you, darling.'
Just in case Edward would think of following the younger couple, Maddy took possession of his arm so there was no doubt that she wanted him to come with her.
Elizabeth did her best to appear normal and hide the sudden discomposure that had just overtaken her. They had all been so obvious that she just couldn't say no without appearing rude. Darcy wasn't in a very different state. He was nervous and anxious too, he knew that they had been practically thrown into each other's company and he didn't want to force things even more.
They climbed the stairs in awkward silence. Acting like the perfect host and gentleman, he showed her two more rooms -nothing relevant about them- and then a sort of study and sitting room, very warm and cozy, with a big library and a large window with view to the gardens.
"If I have to choose among all the rooms we saw, I'll take this one," Elizabeth smiled as she walked around. His tranquility and politeness had done marvels to her peace of mind and she was feeling more at ease. "It's beautiful."
"This is my favorite room too, when I'm not in the projection room." Darcy said with a twisted smile. "I usually come here when I want to think or read. Is very quiet and peaceful. Pity it's dark already. You should see the view from this window, it's lovely."
"So this is where you escape when you don't want to be disturbed?" She asked teasingly.
Grinning, he replied, "Escape is not the term I would use, but yes, this is where I usually come when I need to reflect about something." It was in this room where many sleepless nights thinking of her had taken place.
This room was very much like him. Masculine, warm, something in between sophisticated and rustic, unpretentious and genuine, full of images and words and ideas that were waiting for him to come and create them. She absentmindedly ran her fingers over the leather armchair and sensed that the moment had come. They were on their own, she could feel his eyes on her, she was calm (barely), he looked calm and if she wanted to say what she wanted to say it was now or never.
"Listen, I ..." they both spoke at the same time.
Darcy said a low, "Pray, continue."
"William," Elizabeth faced him while trying to look calm, confident and composed. "I wanted to tell you that I'm very sorry about what I said about your sister, back in Kent. It was very wrong of me." She saw him swallow visibly and continued. "You were right in what you said. I chose to believe what George told me after knowing you for so long. I wanted to apologize after reading your letter, but you left and I didn't have the chance."
Darcy's voice was a hoarse when he spoke. "You don't need to apologize, Elizabeth. You only made a mistake."
"No, I have to." He looked down at his hands and she continued. "I was terribly unfair, with you and with your sister. George lied and I believed those lies without trying to find out the truth."
"You were not the only one," he said gravely. "Just forget about that, please."
Elizabeth inhaled deeply. "Your sister is a very sweet girl, though she seems to be very shy."
"She is. She's overcoming it now though she still finds it difficult to interact with unknown people."
"I noticed that sometimes she becomes distracted, that her thoughts are somewhere else."
"Yes, it happens. It's impossible for her to follow a conversation between numerous people and I can't always translate everything that is said so she just doesn't pay attention to it."
"I guess it must have been difficult at the beginning, when your father died, but you did a wonderful job."
"Thank you." He met her eyes as a small smile came to his lips.
"This is indeed a lovely house, do you live here permanently?" She preferred to take the conversation towards a more neutral topic. Their fight in Kent was something she didn't want to remember.
"No," he shook his head, "I live in Matlock, not far away from the office. Usually, I come here in the summer but for the past months I've been coming quite often, nearly every weekend. Now we are staying until New Year."
An awkward pause came. Elizabeth looked around the room, rather impatiently, and Darcy realized that he was running out of time. There was no reason for them to stay in this place, just standing and doing nothing so if he wanted to apologize, he would have to do it now. He observed her quietly for a moment, pondering his next words.
"Elizabeth, I also have to apologize for something, I ..."
"You already apologized in your letter," she interrupted, almost sure of the subject he was going to bring up. That was something she didn't want to hear about.
"Not about this." He proceeded, looking directly into her eyes. Her attitude had changed as soon as he began to speak. She had adopted a distant posture, not haughty, but cold, unreachable and that only made more difficult the task ahead. "I made a terrible error of judgment concerning you, Elizabeth." He paused, knowing that once those words were said, there was no going back. Elizabeth may be aware of his misjudgment, but telling her that he once thought that she slept with a man with mercenary purposes was the biggest insult a man can throw in a woman's face. But if he wanted to apologize, that was something he would have to do. "That night, when we argued, I was referring to another thing. You thought I was talking about your birth, but I wasn't. At the time I thought that you ..."
"That I slept with John Lucas to get that job?" She asked in a cold voice.
Christ, that sounded even more horrible coming from her lips. "Yes, I made a terrible mistake. Not only was I wrong about you, but I judged you for that and I'm very sorry."
The ire that Elizabeth had been feeling, that she had been growing all these months was beginning to surface and she unleashed some of it. "What I want to know is why you thought that. What did I do for you to arrive at that conclusion?"
He swallowed. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" she tried to control her anger.
"It's true, I don't know." How could he tell her that the man she had just known as a father has a reputation? How could he hurt her by using that as an excuse to reduce his own guilt? If he thought that, it was all his doing. "It just happened. I know you'll find this revolting, but in this business, it's not an unusual thing to happen. It was my mistake to believe it."
"You thought I was a whore, William, you treated me like a prostitute."
"No, Elizabeth, I ..."
"No?" she asked disdainfully. "And what do you call that if it's not prostitution?"
"Necessity. Wrong as I was, I always thought that you were incapable of doing that without a reason. And that made it all more painful. I was torn, Elizabeth, I was in love with you and I wanted to protect you, to show you that you were safe with me, that I would respect your person above all. I never thought you were a prostitute, Elizabeth, and I never treated you like one. Never."
Unmerciful, she couldn't stop from expressing that anger and pain that that knowledge brought into her life. "You hurt me."
"I know and I'm really sorry. I tried to apologize before, when I learned the truth, but I couldn't find you." He preferred not to tell her that he spoke with her mother, just in case she didn't inform her daughter about his visit. The last thing he wanted was to produce another confrontation between them.
"My mother told me you came." By informing him of that, like some kind of perverse revenge, she was letting him know that she knew he wanted to talk to her and that it was her choice not to hear him.
He made no answer. The coldness in her stare and her cynicism told him that it wouldn't be wise to go on with this. That anger and resentment had a reason. Some things weren't his fault, but he understood the change she was going through and could only respect her choice of being left alone. He imposed himself once, with disastrous results, and he saw no point in doing it again. Elizabeth Bennet wanted nothing to do with him.
Elizabeth silently observed his slow turn of countenance. His eyes were full of pain, of loss. He was suffering because of his own mistakes, because of her, but instead of feeling triumphant, it hurt.
"I think we should go back. They are probably wondering where we are." She averted her eyes from his intense ones.
"Yes. The other guests might have arrived already."
"Other guests?" Elizabeth tried to sound casual, interested. It would be better if they composed themselves before facing the others.
The hint of a sly smile grew in Darcy's lips as they left the room. "It was a surprise, but I guess there's no point in keeping the secret now. Jane knows that I was trying to find you. She has asked me a couple of times if I have found you, she mentioned that she missed you a lot so I thought it would be a good idea to invite her and Charles along too. Forgive me for not telling you, maybe you didn't ..."
"Jane is coming tonight?" Her eyes, her entire face lit up.
Darcy was relieved that at least this one came out fine. "Yes, she doesn't know you are here. I asked Charles not to say anything. Let's see if he kept his promise."
She smiled, warmly, and descended the stairs thinking that this was indeed a very nice gesture. Not much was said on the way to the living room, only a sporadic comment about the house or some piece of furniture Elizabeth found interesting but not a word, nothing was said about the conversation they just had. It was some sort of tacit 'pact of silence' about their past misunderstandings, their feelings or what would happen next.
Two pairs of eyes studied the couple when they joined the others. They had been away long enough for a chat and both Maddy and Georgiana were intrigued about the results of their 'conversation'. But the faces of the newcomers betrayed a not so happy outcome. Elizabeth sat next to her aunt and joined the conversation with feigned cheerfulness and Darcy responded to his sister's inquiring glance with a sad smile and almost imperceptible shake of his head.
Some ten minutes later, noises in the corridor announced the arrival of the other guests. It was as if wave of fresh air had entered the house. Elizabeth, barely containing her joy for seeing Jane again, stood to greet them.
"Is that Charles Bingley?" Maddy whispered while placing her hand on her chest as soon as the actor stepped into the living room. She didn't know about the other guests, she had never been this close to a movie star -in fact, she had never seen one in person- and she could hardly believe she was now in front of one.
Grinning, Elizabeth replied. "He is, and that's Jane."
"Lizzy!" Jane cried when she saw her.
The two dear friends mingled in a tearful embrace. "Oh, Jane, it's so good to see you."
"I can't believe it's you! I've been calling you for weeks!
"And I called you and you never answered the phone!"
Jane sniffed. "Where have you been? I wanted to make you my bridesmaid and I didn't know where to find you!"
With this comment, Elizabeth realized how much her stupid and unforgiving resentment had hurt the people she loved most. But she didn't want to think about that now. Jane was here and she would apologize for that later. She pulled back and looked at her friend's huge belly. "Goodness Jane, you are about to explode!"
Jane laughed. "I still have seven weeks ahead. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't move so I don't know if I'm going to make it."
"And all she does is complain about it and blame me for that." Charles moved closer to greet his wife's friend. "Hello, Elizabeth, it's nice to see you again."
"Charles," Elizabeth smiled broadly. She was happy to see her friend again, but she was even happier to see them, together.
Georgiana had joined them and hugged Charles tightly. They were very fond of each other, Georgiana had known him since her teens and she had always been fascinated by his outgoing, happy disposition. He was one of the few people from outside her circle that would act completely normal when around her, who made jokes and tease her and that had taught her to laugh at the people that didn't know how to react to her disability.
"Hello, my sweet. Let's see if I remember the signs you taught me." He closed his fist and raised the middle finger in a quite obscene gesture. "I think this one means ..."
Laughing, Georgiana slapped his arm. She greeted Jane, who, together with Elizabeth, were smiling Charles' playfulness.
Arm in arm with Jane, Elizabeth returned to the couch to introduce them to her aunt and uncle. On the way, she glanced at Darcy, who was standing with her uncle, and if it was only for a fraction of a second, she caught his eyes looking at them before he directed them to Charles, who was walking to greet him. She had planned to smile at him, as a sign of gratitude for hosting this reunion, for producing this joyful moment, but he had looked away before she did it.
With two pregnant women in the same place, it was obvious that the conversation on their side of the room would be around the typical topics that women with child would talk about: weight, swollen feet, babies, hunger, constipation, hemorrhoids, food and those magic, unique sensations produced by the children growing inside of them. The men, of course, were discussing more interesting subjects: cars, fishing and politics.
The party moved to the dining room where an exquisite table had been arranged. Wisely, Darcy instructed the housekeeper to use the round table, as the long one -that could accommodate 24 people- would only increase the distance between the attendants. Georgiana sat on his right, Charles on his left, then Jane and beside her, Elizabeth. She wasn't near him, but right across him and if conversing with her was a little more difficult, he could at least look at her.
At the beginning, Elizabeth felt awkward about this seating arrangement. Her first thought was that he didn't want her close to him, but then she realized that he had placed her where he thought she would feel more comfortable: between Jane and her family and away from him, as had been her own decision. This was crude reality, he got the message she had been not so subtly hinting, and that made her feel awful.
As dinner progressed, Elizabeth's attitude drifted from active participation to silent contemplation and back again. Having Darcy sitting right across her had its advantages and whenever she had the chance, she studied him. He wasn't the director tonight, he was a friend, a brother, a host. He was William Darcy, the man, free from artifices and postures. The party was lively and he was great in interacting with the group and with each one of them. He was just fascinating to observe. Charming, gallant, funny, intelligent, interesting. Every second she was in his company, she discovered a new aspect of him. With her, he was very nice and warm but she could see that it wasn't the same. He would avert his eyes quickly after conversing with her, his eyes weren't drawn towards hers as much as she would have liked and when their work together was mentioned, that same look of loss and longing would become evident in his eyes once again.
The other thing that called her attention was his attitude towards his sister. He was the big brother in every sense. Georgiana was more at ease with them, sometimes on her own and sometimes with her brother's assistance she would participate actively in the discussions but Elizabeth liked to see how Darcy was always aware of his sister. It was not unusual that Georgiana would lose track of the conversation, turning distracted or isolated, lost in her own world and without making it obvious to the rest, he was always careful to make her come back. Even if talking to someone else, he would squeeze her hand, catching her attention, not forcing her to join the conversation, but telling her that he knew she was there and showing her how grateful he was that she was hosting this reunion with him.
With Jane, Elizabeth conversed a lot but she knew it was not enough. They weren't alone and this was not the right place to have the intimate chat they wanted, they needed to have but tonight she had seen enough to know that Jane was happy with her life. She learned about how much Darcy helped them at the beginning, offering them his house and how he re-arranged Charles' promoting schedule so it would affect their lives as little as possible. For some things Jane said, Elizabeth sensed that their life wasn't perfect, that there were lots of adjustments to make but it was obvious that she loved her husband, and above all, that Charles adored his wife.
The night was coming to an end and Elizabeth left this splendid place with a bittersweet feeling growing inside her chest. She had come to Pemberley with an idea, expecting to find the same omnipotent, despotic and arrogant Darcy she wanted to hate. Instead of that, she found a good friend, a loving brother and a humbled, forgiving man, not different to the man he always had been, only that this time she was able to see it.
She was angry, not with him but with herself, because she wanted to hold on to things that she should let go and this night only proved how wrong she was in keeping them inside her chest. Until now she had tried to blame him for everything that had happened in her life during the past 6 months, for her mother's silence, for the job she lost and even for learning who her father was. He made his own mistakes in this tale, but he did his best to fix them, to repair the damage he caused, and to apologize for them, not expecting to be forgiven.
William Darcy was a good man, imperfect, but noble. The best man she had ever known. She should see him for his virtues instead of his faults, let go of her anger, her resentment and learn to enjoy what she had. Her life would never be what it was before she met him, not only because many things had changed, because she had changed, but because he was now part of it.
Many times, in this same room, Darcy had envisioned Elizabeth coming back into his life. Tonight it happened. She came, she stood over there, and she left. Tonight, it was over.
It was sad, because he had so many expectations when he found her. His resignation had turned into hope and for the first time in months, he thought that things could be fixed. The first blow came when she refused to meet him for a chat. He had an ego and that was a hard pill to swallow. Then came their conversation, his anguish when he heard her apologizing for something she didn't have to apologize and then her implacable reaction to his repentance. He never expected her to forgive him, well, maybe he was hoping she would, but at least he thought they would part on good terms.
These were the facts and he would have to learn to live with that. It was sad, but it was the end. Elizabeth didn't love him. She didn't care about him, she didn't even like him. This was a hopeless case. They would be in touch because of Maddy, maybe they would see each other again, though doing it as common acquaintances would be more painful that not to see each other at all.
He spotted a wooden box resting on one of the shelves of the library. The Cuban cigars John gave him that night he learned that Elizabeth was his daughter. In his rush, he left them behind, but John sent it on the following day with a note that said 'what happened with you?' If he would have to choose one, that was the most chaotic night of his life.
He rose and took a cigar from inside the box. He slid it slowly under his nose to inhale the woody scent. He walked slowly to his armchair and after cutting the end, he lit it up. A deep puff and the smoke surrounded him. Like before, spice, sweet and dreams molded her. She was there, again, in his mind. She was too far away for him to reach her, but when he called her, she came.
Elizabeth couldn't sleep. She could only think about him, about every word he said tonight, his eyes, his words, his sadness and that polite, almost distant farewell when she left. With a loud, shaky sigh she acknowledged the fact that this was the end. She wanted him out of her life and he obliged. She wanted him to suffer like she had suffered and his hurt made her pain even greater.
But the ironic part of this was that she was still crazy about him. Yes, it was quite stupid to admit it now that she had finally shoved him out of her life but that was the truth. She liked him, she wanted to try again, forget all those mistakes and make a new start. Only that now that she was willing to have him, she had driven him away.
She rose from bed and walked towards the window. It was still snowing. On the table, there was a candle. That huge red aromatic candle, apples and cinnamon, the one she was holding when she saw him in Chesterfield. She lit it and stared at the flame, at its aura, and inhaled the sweet and fresh scent that slowly filled the room. She closed her eyes and awakened dreams came. She felt that presence again, the one that had made her feel loved and protected so many times before and that she had missed so much. This time she knew who he was, there was no point in denying it. It was Darcy, it had always been Darcy. She fell in his spell, she allowed the spice and the smoke to be part of her, and when he called her, she went.