Chapter 20
The blue BMW sped down the freeway, wringing through the traffic like a snake that searches for shelter from the midday sun. His destiny was Hertfordshire, more precisely, the small town of Meryton. Outside the car, the world didn't exist. It was only him and his thoughts and regrets and the pain that acknowledging his mistakes produced.
He had now reached the most painful moment of a soul searching that had started weeks ago, at Rosings, the day before he gave her the letter. If he felt ashamed of his doings then, today he was destroyed.
'Even after knowing what you did I fell in love with you. In spite of that I loved you.'
His own words were coming back to haunt him. He never knew himself capable of that arrogance, such presumption, that omnipotence and worst of all, based in wrong assumptions. He had made mistakes in his life, he wasn't perfect, but nothing he had done before could be compared to this. It hurt, it really hurt. It hurt to learn that he could be so prejudiced, so blind, so unfair and so disloyal. With Charles, with Jane, with John, and especially with Elizabeth.
The only thing that mattered now was seeing her. He had to apologize, tell her that he had been wrong and pray that she would understand, that she would forgive him. But that wasn't easy. Half of the night pacing, the other half smoking, a full night of wakefulness and still had no idea of what he was going to tell her. His problem was how, what to say. If his memories of their fight were correct -no matter how much he tried to forget that scene, it came back over and over again- he never accused her of sleeping with Lucas, at least not directly. That meant that they argued over something without even knowing what they were talking about and that, by apologizing, he would be acquainting her with that misconception, bringing more humiliation and anger to their already damaged relationship.
Freeing himself from his appointments had been easier than he thought. One call to his office and Margaret cancelled all his meetings. With Ann things also went smoothly. She had traveled North especially for John's party and her plans were to stay in Derbyshire for a couple of days using his place as her 'operational base'. That, obviously, implied the usage of his bed too, whether they had sex or not, so canceling that 'obligation' forced him into a conversation that the somehow chaotic state of mind didn't allow him to have.
He was very fortunate that Ann was such an understanding person, at least with him. On his way out of the party -which happened five minutes after his conversation with John- he went to tell her he was leaving and that he was traveling south early in the morning. Ann didn't have the least intention of leaving the party so early so, with a condescending smile, allowed him to go.
"You owe me this one, Will," she had said as she patted his arm. "I want a full explanation and a box of Godivas. Don't worry about me, I'll stay somewhere else." After a kiss on his cheek, she wished him good luck.
Darcy knew that that wasn't the end with Ann, that their friendship deserved a more extended explanation and a definitive rupture but this was not the place or time. That was something he would take care of later. His concerns now were centered in Elizabeth. With her, he was sure he would not be so lucky.
An unpleasant feeling grew in the pit of his stomach as his destination became closer. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was the best thing to do, apologizing to Elizabeth would only make things worse.
But fate was against him that morning. There was no one home when he arrived. Standing outside her door, he dialed her number and only reached the answering machine. A glance at his watch told him that there was little possibility that there was someone at home. It was nearly ten and if she got a new job, she was surely at work.
He waited in his car for half an hour, unsure of what to do. He was too jittery to stay in one place so he called Margaret and asked for Jane's number. Maybe Jane would know where Elizabeth was. Instead of calling and knowing that Jane was working only part time, he preferred to drive to London and talk to her in person.
"Jane!" Charles called to her from the living room, "could you bring me some water, please?"
"Just a minute!"
Glass in hand, she emerged from the kitchen, stepped over the cushion that was on the floor and gave Charles the glass, who interrupted his fitness routine to drink some water. He drank half of the glass in two gulps.
"What are you doing?" He asked as he lifted his face to hers so she could kiss him. "There's an odd smell."
"Melting some wax. I'm working on a model. Are you finished with that?"
Charles started rowing again. "No, another half an hour."
"Can I lift those cushions or are you doing abs after rowing?"
"Would you secure my feet?"
Jane smiled at his pleading eyes. "Yes."
"Then I'll do some." He grinned.
She turned on the TV and walked towards the kitchen. Charles never spoke much when training so she usually listened to the news on the TV while she worked.
" ... And Susan," the reporter asked, "tell us the latest news in show business."
"Do you remember about that rumor about Winona Ryder's pregnancy? Well, I can positively affirm that it was false. She's about to start shooting her new film, and her stomach is a flat as ever." It didn't take long for Susan to jump from one subject to another. "The one we have heard very little about lately is Charles Bingley. The cute boy from Wisconsin has missed all the latest and hottest parties and we are all wondering where he is."
"That is quite unusual, Susan, wasn't he a regular habitué of the Hollywood nightlife?"
"He never misses the opportunity of having fun. And we all know that Charles certainly knows how to entertain himself. But two versions of his whereabouts reached me. The first one is that his friend Richard Gere had converted him into Zen Buddhism and that Charles is now in Tibet meeting the Dalai Lama. The other one says -and I'm inclined to affirm that this is the most accurate one- that this reckless boy has fled to a clinic in Maine in an attempt to recover from his addiction to sex."
The reporter raised her eyebrows. "We'll certainly have a hard time trying to imagine Charles Bingley dressed in an orange toga, Susan, but wherever he is, in Tibet or in Maine, we wish him good luck."
Charles turned off the TV with a disgusted frown and turned his attention to the kitchen to check if Jane had heard that report. He saw her, mouth open, standing under the threshold.
"These people are a little disoriented about my whereabouts, aren't they?" He said lightly. He was sure that the 'addiction to sex' comment had bothered her.
Jane's astonished eyes went from the black screen of the TV to Charles' face. "Did you hear that?"
He rose and went to her. "I told you, Jane, my life is not easy. You'll hear many things about me. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't let them affect you."
She leaned her head on his chest while he stroked her back. "They said you are addicted to sex."
Charles sighed. "They also said I was in Tibet meeting the Dalai Lama when I've been here in London with you. Just forget about that, will you?"
Jane raised her head to face him. "Aren't you affected by this? How can you live with these people saying all those things about you?"
"I learned to live with it, sweetheart, and you'll have to learn too. This will be a constant in our lives from now on." Charles kissed her forehead.
"Are you really Richard Gere's friend?" She asked him.
Charles chuckled. "No, we saw each other only once."
"I didn't believe you when you said they had no scruples. Don't they know they can hurt someone by inventing those lies?"
"They don't care, everything is valid to obtain more audience." He sighed and kissed her before returning to the living room. He was about to sit on the rowing machine again when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it."
The door was opened and Charles froze at the sight of William Darcy standing in front of him. Darcy wasn't in a different state and it took him a moment to recover himself from the surprise of finding his friend there.
"Charles." He said, quite unsure of what his reception would be.
Charles stood, looking as imposing as he could be. He had already forgiven his friend for his interference, but he was determined to make him suffer a little longer. "Darcy."
There was a moment of silence where Darcy considered what to say. Charles didn't look welcoming. "Is Jane home?"
"Charles?" Jane's voice came from somewhere inside the apartment. ""Who's there?" The actor stepped aside and she caught sight of the visitor. "William!"
"Hi, Jane." Darcy's eyes went from Jane to Charles and then back to Jane.
"Please, come in." She pushed Charles away, who was blocking the entrance. "How are you doing?"
"Fine, and you?" He smiled as he observed her belly.
Radiant, Jane smoothed her shirt so he could see it better. "Excellent. I was making some coffee, do you want one?" She didn't hold any kind of resentment towards Darcy. She was perfectly aware of his role in their separation and reunion -and Charles' opinion about it- so she preferred to leave and give both men some time on their own.
"Sure, thank you."
"Sit down, make yourself comfortable." After throwing Charles an admonishing glance, she disappeared inside the kitchen.
Darcy sat on the couch (that had no cushions) and Charles sat next to him. There was a moment of silence where they both tried to look unaffected.
"You came." Darcy said quietly.
"I did." Was Charles' stern reply.
"Jane's looking well."
"She is."
Darcy leaned his elbows on his knees. "You too."
Charles looked down while biting his lower lip. He decided to give Darcy a break. A snort preceded the friendly punch he gave him on his shoulder and both men laughed in an obvious tension release.
"I'm so sorry, Chuck, for everything. I should never have judged you the way I did. I should never have interfered with you two. It was very wrong of me." Was Darcy's sincere apology.
"It's OK." Charles said quietly. "You weren't so wrong about me. I'm not sure of what I would have done had you passed her message right away. Maybe I would have come, or called her back, but I'm not sure that I would have loved and cherished her as I do now. I know now that time was necessary for me to change."
"Thank you, Charles. You are too generous."
"Your intentions were honorable. You know me too well, Darce, you know what I'm capable of doing, what I was capable of doing." Charles corrected himself. "You were only thinking about her welfare and for that I must give you credit. Do you remember that conversation we had in Africa, in your tent?"
Darcy nodded.
"You hit the point with your words. You unmasked me. While in Canada, they haunted me day and night. I realized that, until then, I just wanted her, like some kind of trophy. Only when I lost her I learned to love her, to respect her for what she is. Had it not been for that time of reflection, I would never have been what I am now."
Darcy slapped his friend's back. "Fatherhood had certainly improved your countenance."
Charles smiled, his pride and happiness impossible to conceal. "It feels great. I would recommend to you the experience."
That comment succeeded in making him blush. "Not my turn yet."
"It will come sooner or later."
The director's eyes made a tour around the room. The furniture was pushed against the walls, there was a rowing machine placed in the center and a series of cushions aligned on one side. Charles's stuff was neatly piled on chairs and Jane's working elements were all over the table. It was a well-organized mess.
"There's not much room for you two in here."
"Yeah, the apartment is quite small." Charles smiled.
"Do you want to use my flat? It's large and I'm not coming very often to London. You can stay there until you get settled."
Charles lowered his voice so Jane wouldn't hear him. "I don't know. This is her place and she's so happy and making such a big effort to make me feel comfortable that I don't dare to ask her to move into a larger place. I must return to LA in a few days so we won't stay here for long anyway."
Darcy nodded. At that moment Jane came with a tray with coffee cups and some cookies. She stepped over the cushions, walked around the rowing machine and maneuvered in between the chairs to reach the low table.
"How do you drink it, William?" Jane asked him.
"Just black." He extended his hand to take his cup. He waited until she served Charles and when she sat down, he spoke. "Jane, I would like to apologize for not passing your message right away, I'm very sorry."
Jane's eyes went from Darcy to Charles. She smiled when her beloved gave her a comforting wink. "Don't worry, William, it's all right. You were only trying to protect me. You did it for a noble cause. Now," she stirred her coffee, "what brings you here?"
Darcy shifted his body on the couch. "I wanted to ask you where I can find Elizabeth. I need to talk to her. I went to her house and there's no one there."
"Elizabeth? That girl that was your assistant in Africa?" Charles asked.
"Yes. She was the one that told me that Jane was pregnant," he replied. "Do you know where I can find her, Jane?"
Frowning, Jane looked down. "I don't know where she is, William. We are not on good terms now. I called her a couple of times but her mother told me she's out of town."
His brows knitted as he said, "I thought you were good friends, she told me ..."
"We were, we are," Jane sighed, "but something happened and we argued. She ... it has to do with you, William."
"With me?" He raised his eyebrows.
Jane was feeling utterly uncomfortable for having to tell him this. "After your date, she came to visit ..."
Charles eyes went from Jane to Darcy. "You are dating her?"
"No, we dined together once."
"She came to visit and she told me about your argument." Jane continued. "She was very upset about everything that happened, she was also feeling guilty for those things she said to you, but most of all, she was confused about something you said in your letter."
Darcy shook his head and looked down. "I can imagine what it is."
"About that rumor, you know." Jane said quietly.
"What rumor?" Charles asked. He was completely at a loss of what they were talking about.
"Elizabeth came with a recommendation from John Lucas' office. At the beginning everyone was saying that she had slept with him to obtain that job." Said Jane.
Charles raised his eyebrows. That wasn't an unusual thing to happen, but in general it involved young actresses, not assistants. The oddest thing about this one was that Elizabeth didn't seem the type at all.
"Did you tell her about that rumor?" Asked Darcy, almost dreading the answer.
"Yes," Jane nodded, "and she became upset at me for not telling her before. I never believed that nonsense, William, and I never thought that you would believe it either. When she learned about it, she looked very hurt and she left. I haven't heard from her since then."
The director sat back on the couch with an abashed expression.
"The thing is," she proceeded, "that she thought you were talking about something else when you argued." He looked at her expectantly. "She thought you despised her for being an illegitimate child. That's why she didn't understand what you said in your letter."
Darcy cursed himself inwardly at least two thousand times. He rubbed his face with his hands and then smoothed his hair back as a way to clear up the confusion that was going on inside his head. This was getting more and more difficult.
"You really believed that?" Charles said in a tone that mingled mockery and incredulity, "You are such a snob, Darcy."
"Thank you, Charles." Darcy exhaled in exhaustion.
"I'm sorry I can't help you, William." Said Jane.
"I need to find her. I must apologize for that, I must tell her that I was wrong, that I ..." He trailed off.
"Why don't you try talking to her mother?" Jane asked.
He didn't know how much Elizabeth's mother would know about this affair, but he was sure that she was not very agreeable with the events of the past weeks. "I guess I have no other choice."
"She has a flower shop in Meryton, in Longbourn Street. You can find her there until 6.00 PM or at her house after that hour."
Darcy glanced at his watch. It was past noon.
"Why don't we have lunch together? We can go to that cafeteria around the corner." Charles suggested.
"Thank you, Charles, but I'm not hungry." Darcy replied. "I better be going."
"Please, stay." Jane offered gently.
"Yes, come along." Charles insisted.
"All right," he smiled.
Charles rose and helped Jane to her feet. "I'm going to put some order in here while you change, sweetheart."
Darcy stood and helped Charles with the cushions. "When are you two going to announce this?"
"Announce?" Jane glanced at Charles.
"I think this event deserves a press conference." Replied Darcy.
Charles saw Jane's scared eyes. "I don't want to make a marketing event of our relationship or my child."
"But you know it will be, Chuck. And you know the press will be a lot kinder if you announce it yourself instead of them discovering it on their own. They'll say you have something to hide. "
"I know." The actor sighed. "But I also know we'll lose our privacy as soon as the news is revealed. They'll start investigating Jane's life and chasing after us and we just want to live in peace a little longer."
"Yes, we only told my parents, on the phone." Added Jane. "They weren't very agreeable with how things happened, though they promised to keep the secret until we tell the press. My father is a minister of the church so you can imagine how he reacted when he learned that I was pregnant without being married, and worst of all, that the father is a movie star."
Charles put his arm around Jane's shoulder and kissed her temple. That had been a very hard moment for her, she cried for hours after her father's sermon, but her family finally understood and Jane promised they would go visit them as soon as they could. Jane didn't tell him much about their conversation, but he knew that the words rake, irresponsibility, promiscuity, sin and dissoluteness were only some of the terms her father used in his speech. At least with Charles' father it had been easier. He was quite happy to know that his sixth grand child was on its way, though Charles also had to endure a lecture about his recklessness and for not telling him what was going on sooner.
"We'll start promoting the movie in only a few days," said Darcy. "You'll have to travel and attend several events and the meeting with the media will be inevitable."
"Yes, I'll need a schedule so I can plan what I'm going to do."
"Ann already sent it to your agent, she's booking hotels and organizing the stuff." Darcy put the cushion on the couch. "I'll talk to her and we'll find the best way to handle this without messing up your life."
"What do you have in mind?" Charles asked on seeing Darcy's half smile. He knew he had come up with something very good.
"Let's talk about it during lunch." Darcy then turned to Jane. "Jane, I have a flat here in London that I hardly use, why don't you stay there until you decide what you want to do? It's large, three bedrooms, laundry room, Jacuzzi. You'll be more comfortable."
Jane glanced at Charles, who was waiting expectantly for her reaction. "Where is it?"
"Harley Street, near Regent's Park."
Her face lit up. All this mess was making her crazy but Charles was being so helpful and solicitous and seemed to like it so much that she didn't have the courage to tell him that she wanted to throw his rowing machine and his clothes out the window. "That is really kind of you."
"I'm with my car. I can help you to move after lunch." He glanced at Charles who was amazed of how quickly Jane accepted the offer. "There's no need to take the rowing machine, I have a mini-gym. I only used it twice, but it's there."
"That's great." Jane said excitedly and headed towards the bedroom.
"How did you convince her so quickly?" Charles asked in amazement.
"I didn't. I only had to see her face when she walked around your bloody machine to know that she was tired of this mess. And it's also safer for her. She could stumble over any of these things and injure herself."
While Jane changed in the bedroom, Charles changed into long sweat pants and a clean T-shirt. He threw his things inside his suitcase and then helped Jane to retrieve a large bag from the top of her closet to place her stuff in.
During lunch, Jane was able to have a glimpse of Charles' relationship with the outside world. Until now, their outings had been very limited, only leaving apartment after disguising his appearance with fake mustaches, sunglasses or caps, but today, in the hurry, he was his usual, stunning, famous self. Five minutes after they sat at the table, a woman approached them and asked him for his autograph. That provoked the entire cafeteria to notice his presence and a low mumbling started. A group of girls saw him through the window and it didn't take long before a small multitude was formed outside, waiting for him to emerge. Lunch had to be interrupted, Charles asked Darcy to escort Jane out of the place and he bravely faced the crowd, signing autographs while the girls screamed and tugged at his clothes.
Jane was worried sick while she waited for Charles to return to the apartment. He did it half an hour later, quite out of breath and with his T-shirt ripped.
"What happened to you?" Darcy laughed on seeing him.
"One of the girls wanted a piece of me as a souvenir." Charles shook his head. "I'm lucky that I still have all my hair."
"Are you all right?" Jane hurried to his side.
Charles put his arms around her waist. "And you?"
"I'm fine now." She cleaned his cheek with her thumb. It was smudged with lipstick.
Darcy silently observed the tender scene. For a few minutes, the couple comforted each other, whispering endearments and checking that the other was all right. Charles kissed Jane and hugged her and she told him how worried she was. They looked so happy, so in love that he felt that he was intruding. All that domesticity, that comfort and happiness restored his somehow low spirits and an idea came to his head.
"I think we should be going," Darcy called them out of their daze.
"Yes, let's go." Charles released Jane.
"Chuck," Darcy asked him his friend. "Are you up to shoot five more minutes of movie?"
"What do you want to change?"
"I want to add a new scene, a new ending."
"I thought you liked the open finale."
"I do, but now that I see you two together, like this, your happiness and the baby, I changed my mind. I would like to give the audience a more hopeful message."
"But the release is scheduled in only three weeks." Charles objected.
"I don't think that shooting it would take us more than one or two days and I think I can have everything ready in less than a week."
"Tell me what you have in mind." The actor smiled.
Darcy lifted one of the bags and walked out of the apartment, followed by Charles. "I'll tell you in the car."
"Lydia, you made it." George opened the door of the studio.
"Hi, George. I came directly from school. I didn't have time to change." The girl looked around the spacious room. Inside, there was another man, with a short beard and reading glasses, looking very like a pseudo artist adjusting a camera and those parasols with lights that are used to illuminate the models.
"Don't worry, here we have everything you need. This is Jason, the photographer." He introduced them. "Another girl is coming later so we'll start right away. You can change behind this curtain." George led the way. "This is what you are going to wear."
Lydia took the clothes George was offering. "Yeah, sure."
"I'll leave you on your own so you can change. Leave your hair loose and no bra, all right?"
Her eyes opened wide, but she did what she was told. Five minutes later, she was standing in front of the camera dressed in a tight white T-shirt, a pair of jeans that were ripped in several places and some leather accessories. Quite prudish if compared with some of the clothes she used to wear.
"Now, Lydia," said the photographer as he focused the camera, "I want you to look sexy ... raise your hair ... sexy pout ... that's it, good girl."
Slowly, Lydia began to gain confidence and her posing became more and more relaxed. George and the other man were always encouraging and saying how good she was and her poses became more and more provocative.
"That's excellent, Liddy! Now, turn on the lights, babe, I want more sensuality."
"What?" she asked, at a loss about his meaning.
"Your ..." Said George, pointing at her nipples.
She hesitated. The T-shirt was tight, quite thin and she was sure that her nipples were more than obvious.
George noticed her sudden discomfort and tried to put her at ease. "Don't worry, next time, you are doing fine."
That gave her the courage she needed to proceed. She did what she was asked and hooked her thumbs on the waistband of her jeans in a very sexy position. During the rest of the session, she posed like a real professional.
"George, this girl is fabulous." said Jason, the photographer. "She has a great body and the camera loves her."
"Lydia, are you up to something a little more provocative?" George asked her.
"Like what?" she asked, her adrenaline on high.
"Roll your top up, just under your breasts."
Smiling, she lifted the top, but went a little further, uncovering the lower part of her bosom. She unbuttoned the top button of her jeans, raised her hair and made a series of very sexy, alluring poses.
She really, really liked doing this.
Longbourn street, this was it. Across the street, a flower shop. 'Flowers from the Heart', that was the store's name. The exterior was painted in a very pale shade of pink and a series of lovely, little bouquets adorned the window. It was a lively and very nice place.
Darcy parked his car and took a slow, deep breath. There was no denying he was nervous, apprehensive. This was not an ordinary woman. She was, above all, Elizabeth's mother, someone who had faced many adversities and whose life had been practically ruined by the men in her life. And now, the man that hurt her daughter was knocking at her door, asking for her help.
He entered the store and saw a middle aged woman, fixing some flowers. When she saw him coming in, she turned to face him, bestowing him her best smile. With a sad smile, he noticed the similarities. While Elizabeth inherited John's color and face lines, the rest was from her mother. The light, petite figure, some gestures and those delicate, graceful movements.
"May I help you, sir?"
For a moment, he hesitated, not knowing how to address her. Elizabeth's surname was Bennet, by adoption, he recalled, but he didn't know if this woman still used her husband's -or maybe ex-husband's- name. He cleared his throat and proceeded.
"Yes, I ..."
"No, let me guess," Amanda interrupted him. "You are looking for flowers to impress a young woman."
Darcy smiled at her spontaneity. "No, actually, I'm not. Are you Elizabeth's mother?"
Amanda's smile faded slowly as the pieces began to set themselves. Very tall, dark hair, masculine, not bad looking, asking for her daughter. This man had to be William Darcy.
"Yes, what can I do for you?"
"My name is William D ..."
"I know who you are."
Darcy noticed that her guard went up, that her tone had turned unfriendly. "I'm looking for your daughter. I need ... I would like to talk to her."
"Elizabeth is out of town." She said curtly.
"I know. I came here to see if you could tell me where she is."
Amanda turned away from him and nervously fiddled with the flowers in a vase. "I'm sorry, I fear I can't help you."
He looked down, trying to think what he was going to say. "Mrs. Bennet ..."
"Listen, young man," she turned to him. "I know what happened between you and Lizzy and all that nonsense you thought about her. Many things happened after that day that shouldn't and because of them my daughter went away."
He frowned. "I'm sorry I caused so much pain. I made a mistake, I know I hurt her and that I owe her an apology."
"Of course," Amanda said with irony. "You made a terrible mistake. You don't know how wrong you were in your assumption."
"I know. I talked to John." His voice was grave.
This was something she didn't expect. This man, a complete stranger that only brought pain to her daughter, also knew her secret. She didn't like it. "Then you should know that it was that what made her run away. Because of you, Elizabeth learned who her father is and now she hates me."
"I'm sorry." There wasn't much that Darcy could say. He knew that what happened nearly thirty years ago wasn't his fault, but he was responsible for Elizabeth's state of mind that day. He hurt her, he attacked her and if on top of that she learned the truth about her father, all that knowledge coming at the same time had been surely devastating for her. "I know I can't turn things back, that I can't fix them, but I would like to talk to her and tell her how wrong I was. Will you not help me to find her?"
"Why should I help you? Do you have any idea of how much suffering you've caused us?"
Darcy swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you." Amanda said coldly. "Now, if you don't mind, I would ask you to leave."
"All right." Defeated, Darcy looked down at his hands. There was no point in insisting on this. It would only bring more pain and more anger to a person that had suffered enough because of him. "I perfectly comprehend your feelings. Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time and please accept my sincerest apology for the pain I caused you."
Amanda observed his tall frame as he walked away. He looked so sincere and repentant that her heart softened, if only a bit.
"Mr. Darcy." She said in a cold and composed voice.
"Yes?" He stopped at the door.
"Do you love her?"
Without hesitancy, he replied. "I do, with all my heart."
Those were the eyes of a man that was pining on the love he lost. In any case, he deserved it. "I'll see what I can do. Good day." With that, she turned away from him, but in her attempt to hide her own tears, she failed to see his.